Letters from Readers

Conrad in Louisiana

The main reason I felt compelled to join Fathers by Choice (FBC) is because I was a victim like thousands of other American males.

I'm writing to express my full support to FBC, because in recent decades we have seen a progressive accumulation of risks and injustices for males in this country. The fundamental and systemic failures of the current justice system are undeniable. The time has come to redefine our values and vision for a new direction, to transform our society, and to improve this and future generations with Fathers by Choice.

The oil rig where I was working when I first heard about FBC had an average of 30 people aboard. I learned that more than half of them were paying alimony or child support, even though many of the guys had never been married.

Before you knew it, unwanted pregnancy was one of the main topics of discussion on the platform, and this among a group of hard-working oil drillers. Everyone had something to say about it, they all had their own stories. This experience opened my eyes to what is happening in America; to how common the issues of unwanted and stolen pregnancies are today.

I got two copies of FBC's book, Bedrooms, Backseats and Courtrooms. One of my co workers asked me if he could have a copy to bring home. I let him have it. When he came back from his days off, he told me that he showed the book to his preacher. Now they use the book in Sunday's bible study classes with the young males of the church.

I urge each one of you to help Fathers by Choice. I'm a firm believer that together we can make a difference. And get the book. It's informative, well-documented and will help, scare or otherwise motivate you and others to wise up.

I feel sorry for those young guys playing sexual roulette and for the victims of sperm thieves, but what really hurts me the most are so many children growing up in single parent homes. When you read the book, you will learn that the odds are against them.

Do what's right, join in, and give Fathers by Choice a hand. Don't you think it's time for a change? We can't keep looking the other way. Fathers by Choice will be here for years to come. They are making a difference; they are helping our future generations.

All American citizens, acting individually or collectively, have the constitutionally guaranteed right to petition their government for a "redress of grievances." Simply speaking the First Amendment to our Constitution gives a course of action to anyone who has ever thrown their hands in frustration and disgust and cried, "There ought to be a law".

Well, there can be a law and it can originate from me and from you. If enough of us act.

This means that you and I and our fellow Fathers by Choice members, united in purpose and acting for a common cause, can petition our state and federal governments to take a course of action that we feel are in the best interest of today's and tomorrow's American male.

What strikes me the most about Fathers by Choice are the principles and morals behind the group. Nowadays that is history. All I have left to say is that I wish there were more people like those in Fathers by Choice in this world. It would be a better place.

Cortney in Columbus

I remember when I first learned of Fathers by Choice. It was a year after I was "surprised" by my first son. And I'll admit feeling a sting of shame when I learned the basis of the organization. I thought people would assume I had entrapped my husband into a life he did not want because I didn't "plan" and maybe he felt that way too. But, joining Fathers by Choice actually caused my husband and I to communicate more about family planning and who was responsible for birth control. I shared with my husband that I felt a lot of pressure because if we got pregnant I felt it was my fault. Both his family and mine would tell me what I should and shouldn't do. My mother-in-law wanted us to have as many grandchildren as possible. My father thought we already had more than we could handle. It was like everyone held me and only me personally responsible for our life choices. My husband shared with me that he wasn't really ready for our first son but he didn't hold me responsible. We were in this together.

The end result of us having more open communication was not only did my husband and I talk more about these important issues and understand each other's feelings, but he has taken on a lot of the responsibility for birth control. I felt more loved and cared for because not only did I know he cared about the family and me, I knew he wanted what's best for us, and didn't resent me. I think he felt much more in control of his life. Since then we decided to have another child and we now have two beautiful boys. When the time comes, they will both learn facts of life presented in Father's by Choice style, and my hope for them is that they chart their own course through life and decide to have a family when they are ready. Because every man deserves a choice

Dan in Nevada

So here I am, a middle aged man now, reflecting back on a life full of mistakes. I've often thought that if only I had some mentoring growing up, some wise teachers who could have sat my young butt down and let me have the truth straight in the chops, it might have gone a long way toward helping me to avoid some big mistakes. No such mentoring existed in my life. I don't mean to say that as I was personally deprived; I know that the kind of mentoring we all need by and large simply isn't there.

When I came across Fathers by Choice, I heard the ring of wisdom. I saw the possibility to give mentoring to our young people in a non-judgmental and non-authoritarian way. Here was way to say, "Look boys, this is how things are in the world. You better be careful." Fib buttresses its mentorship arguments with the raw facts, and the facts are not pleasant to face.

Let me add some of my own facts to the mix: In our culture and in this day and age of miracle medicines and technologies, no pregnancy is accidental. Is that a fact of mine? Yes. Hard to swallow, but it is. If a couple fertilizes an egg it's no more an accident than was the act. Everyone knows where babies come from and the drug store shelves are full of ways to prevent that from happening, if it is truly not wanted.

A baby means many things to a woman that it does not mean to a man. Fact of mine? Yes. No need to list what those are, we all know. When a financial incentive is added to the other factors that either consciously or unconsciously drive a woman to desire pregnancy, the man's wishes can be, and often are, left out of the equation altogether. Irrelevant when the lady wants what she wants. Our boys need to know this.

Our boys also need to know how they will be regarded by the woman he slept with and by the courts who back her demands after the pregnancy is a fait accompli, and he is suddenly the enemy, a bad guy, because she chose to get pregnant. You, my son, will be no more than a piece of meat to them all.

Fathers by Choice offers a calm and clear response to this harsh cultural climate. Fellas, protect your sperm. Take responsibility for pregnancy prevention. Do not let your sperm get to an egg. As much as you want to believe the woman is telling you the truth when she says not to worry about it – worry about it. The world changes from day to night when she tells you she's missed her period, and there's nothing you can do about it.

We all need to support Fathers by Choice in their efforts to get through to the boys and men in our culture. Take responsibility. Enjoy responsibly. Keep the fun fun.

Austin TX


I just wanted to tell you, you beat me to the punch on that book! 10 years ago, at 32, I married a 38 year old guy with two boys that had been and continues to go through hell with their mother. I'm still planning on writing a book about the horrible experience he has been through since meeting her, and that had somewhat morphed into me wanting to write a book that would be a "what not to do" guide for young men. Now I don't have to, as your book definitely fits the bill. I am going to buy a copy just to have, and am going to run it by the hubby on getting the book for each his sons. I know for the 16 year old that still lives with "the hag", he would have to keep his copy at our house. It all goes back to that old saying, "failing to plan is planning to fail" and young men these days (and in the past) seem to have no clue on shoring up their reproductive futures.

I am really glad organizations like yours exist. If you need to start a branch in the Austin area, please let me know. Even though I am a female, I am most definitely pro-male when it comes to this kind of stuff.

Again, thanks for writing this much needed guide for all the young, ignorant men out there.

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